The Not-So-National Hockey League

Well, the NHL is back in action tonight. Did anyone really notice? Beats me, I haven't seen attendance numbers yet except for one game. Let's face it, hockey is not a big American sport. I grew up in Minnesota, and up there, hockey IS a big deal. The North Stars, playing out at the Met Center were a comparable draw to the Twins who played across the street at Met Stadium. Both Mets are now gone, and what is now on that site, Mall of America outdraws either every day.

Down here in Missouri, we have the Blues. Ok, whatever. On it's face, hockey should be popular. It's fast, brutal and exciting (most of the time). But it's not and never will be. To actually play hockey, you need something that isn't there across the vast majority of the US. It's called ice.

You need a pond, frozen solid, that dad can drive his pickup mounted snowplow onto and clear a nice big space to skate on. Well, you might be able to get ice in the northeast and along the Canadian border, but ice you can skate on for four months in Texas? Forget it. A pond in an urban area? Not happening. Why is basketball popular? It doesn't take much space. A basketball court is smaller than a hockey rink, and it's cement, or asphalt or something else like that. And you don't need to drive a Zamboni around on it.

I can remember the WHA, the St. Paul Saints hockey team, the Winnepeg Jets, hell, the San Francisco Seals. The truth is, it's not something that will ever be like the NFL, NBA or Major Leagues. People have a hard enough time trying to pronounce names like Brett Favre, Amare Stoudamire or Bartolo Colon. You think they want to try Antti Laaksonen? I don't know that I want to.

I love hockey. I think playoff hockey is hands down, the best sport to watch. There's nothing like it. Everyone playing has spent the previous four months having the crap beat out of them day after day after day, and come playoff time, they dig down and find a way to pull up something more. The game speeds up from its already frenetic pace. The hits get harder, the puck moves faster, and still they find something more.

But it's a game for the North. Denver? You guys can have a team, you're high enough that you guys get snow pretty much any time of year. The rest of you guys? If you're south of the Mason-Dixon line, give your team back to Canada. That the Winnepeg Jets are now in the Arizona desert is ridiculous. Anaheim Mighty Ducks? I'm sorry, the entire Disney company needs to be hauled down to the ice to gets their asses kicked by Dave "The Hammer" Shultz. Atlanta Thrashers? Screw you, you had a team before and did the right thing letting them move to Calgary. Why did you have to screw it up and get another one?

Oh, and to both the players and owners? If you think you're ever going to get the kind of money that gets handed out to guys in those other leagues and decide to not play again? Please, do us all a favor and go shoot yourselves. You'll be lucky in five years if you have the kind of money you had two years ago. An NHL franchise is not some "ticket to riches." It's more like a guaranteed mess that should only be taken on by people who are into hockey.